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Mary Ann
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Single after 60

Single after 60 is an acquired taste. I sometimes miss having small children who need me on a daily basis or a spouse to bear witness to my life. Alone, a lone woman, a lone person, a lone diner, a lone shopper, a lone patient, alone and often lonely. I’ve learned to nurture myself through those void times and become stronger in the process. Alone can be a gift if you open it tenderly.

Look for related blog posts here in the future…

In Honor of Mother’s Day

 

I wrote this poem on February 18, 2006, as it was the only way I could find to express my emotions.  Until now, I’ve only shared it with my immediate family.  In honor of Mother’s Day and my Mom’s birthday, May 5th, I share it with you……………..

 

Two Months Ago Today

 

Two months ago today, I knew my heart was broken,

My Mother was forever gone from this world,

The dreaded time had arrived, I was alone,

A fatherless and motherless child without siblings.

 

The void felt like outer space, endless and dark,

Every day since, so many questions unanswered,

My mind in constant motion, the movie plays on,

Even on my busiest days, it is the background,

Medical issues second-guessed, questioning

My abilities as her daughter to honor her wishes,

Knowing God chose the time, not me

I can’t stop the replay.

 

How can it hurt this much at my age, almost 60?

Doesn’t the world prepare us for these things?

Am I not blessed with wonderful supportive family and friends?

Don’t I have compassionate, thoughtful girlfriends?

Why then this ache deep in my heart? – physical sadness,

Who else shares all my memories? no one

Small, vulnerable, empty, where did my confidence go?

 

I dig deep, immersed in my faith and acknowledging future reunion,

Comfort comes from conversations with God and his Word.

Comfort comes from God through others – hugs, phone calls, cards, concern and love.

Time is a gift and I must use it more wisely, always impacting others in a positive way,

Contributing to humanity in the only way I know how,

By honoring the talents God gave me.

I hear her voice admonish me, “And remember to feed the birds, they’re helpless”.

 

Thank you,  and please stop by next Friday for a new blog post………..Mary Ann

 

 

 

The Merry-Go-Round of Work

 

Maybe you’ve always called it a Carousel.  I prefer the joyous feeling and heightened anticipation that accompany the term Merry-Go-Round. This particular Merry-Go-Round is the prerequisite for Retirement and has a unique ticket cost……………….

picture of colorful carousel horses

image courtesy of Simon Howden at freedigitalphotos.net

You wait in line with your education and experience ticket, anticipating the ride of your life.  Disappointment clouds your face as you discover your ticket is not valid because your education and experience don’t match the opportunity.  Now, you’re required to stand in line all over again and maybe again and again, until your ticket matches the ride.  Once matched with your job, the attendant opens the gate.

 

A particular horse catches your eye and your foot is in the stirrup quickly.

That first job may be brief and paycheck reality often provides inspiration to beef up your resume or go back to school.  Time, opportunity, and necessity help develop your career path as you sit astride your horse expecting to enjoy the ride.

 

Occasionally, there’s a malfunction and you are at the mercy of the carnival repair guy.  You didn’t create the problem and you experience frustration because you can’t budge until his work is finished.  Safety rules force you to stay put until the motion begins again.  By that time, you will likely be so involved with the catch-up activity it will cause you to forget your earlier frustration; sort of like forgetting the pain of childbirth.  The cycle continues as the calendar pages fly off into thin air. Just riding along smoothly with occasional malfunctions until one day you receive an email congratulating you on your 5th anniversary with the company!

 

You’ve got this now, the corporate world thing. Maybe you’ve stayed in that original company and moved up in the organization.  Or perhaps you tired of that first ride and found another one that was more challenging and rewarding. Either way, you’ve learned so much throughout your career and honed your ability to “read” the other riders.  Some are typical co-workers in most organizations:

Mrs. Mom:

She’s properly seated on a carefully selected Tennessee Walker.  Her zippered tote contains a remedy for any mishap and a complete list of emergency contacts for everyone in her group.  She will take care of you.

 

Mr. Stuffy:

He’s not even on a horse; he opted for the bench seat with the swans on the side.  You can count on him to obey all the rules and file a report if you step over the line.  No ambition, just imbedded in his spot for the duration.

 

Ms. Wild Child:

She’s on a horse and can’t sit still.  She has all the moves of a circus bareback rider, with the ability to adjust to the motion of the ride. She’s always maneuvering to assure the spotlight illuminates her “best side”.  She’s highly unlikely to notice your struggles, even if you’re barely hanging onto your horse.

 

Mr. Leader:

He’s seated atop the one and only black stallion on the ride.  The horse’s mane appears to be flying in the breeze and the rider sits a bit taller to catch a glimpse of himself in one of the many mirrors festooned on the ride’s inner circle. Together, horse and rider exude assurance, power and control.   You can see their success and you are drawn to it.

 

 

The cycle of work and malfunctions continues.  Years fly by, as you deal with co-workers, managers, corporate policy and increasing responsibilities. You raise children, take care of your aging parents, maintain a reasonable lifestyle and convince yourself you’ll work forever because you can’t afford to retire.  As a senior staff member, you are respected and appreciated by your employer.  You may find yourself perceived as essential to the company’s success. You may be at the height of your career, challenged and loving it! So how can you possibly retire?

 

Then it happens; your friends start to retire and they tell you how wonderful it is and how you can do it because you “don’t need as much” when you’re retired.  And maybe you lose a dear friend to cancer; so young.

And you’re getting tired yourself.  It takes so much energy to get through the day and there’s not much left for evenings and weekends. Subtly the seeds are planted and your subconscious begins to evaluate your options. Eventually, you come to the realization that you really want to exit the ride and go home.

 

Stop by next Friday and I’ll tell you how……………….Mary Ann